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学生写完书面表达后往往很少考虑如何就自己的文章进行润色。只力求语言点的完善,而对所写的内容很少反思,哪些词语还需要推敲,哪些表达还需要改换,哪些结构还需要调整,心中无数。其结果虽然所写的句子无明显的错误,但是文章平淡无奇,自然不能得高分。如何才能使自己的文章化平淡为神奇,通过自己多年指导学生写好书面表达的体会,认为可以从以下几方面对文章进行润色。
一、推敲词语,化淡为奇
古人云“一字之警,全句之奇;一字佳妙,全篇通灵”,词语的运用在书面表达中起着至关重要的作用。许多学生只会使用较为平常的词汇,有时一个词汇甚至反复多次的使用,往往会给人以厌倦的感觉。因此学会词语的推敲是取得高分的前提,如在文中能恰当地使用一些高级词汇,会使阅卷教师对你的文章另眼看待。下面从一些书面表达中摘取一些加以分析和比较,以求得化淡为奇的效果。
1. We should have a good rest during the examinations, otherwise we would feel exhausted.
该句的精点之处在于exhausted一词,大多数考生在表达时可能会使用tired,相比之下,用exhausted比tired 更为传神,更能显示个人的词汇量。
2. Rubbish has been acknowledged as one of the country’s biggest environmental challenge and the ban on plastic bags is one of the solutions to the problem.
该句的亮点是acknowledged和challenge的使用,考生在表达此意思时所联想到的往往是regarded或considered和problem,而全然不知be acknowledged as可表达“被公认为……”的含义;而用challenge代替problem表达意思更胜一筹。
3. Recycling and other factors have contributed to a serious waste of resource and serious environmental pollution as well.
该句中的神奇之处是contributed to的使用,考生往往会根据汉语提示用caused或resulted in来表达此意,换个说法,也许会得到阅卷教师的赏识,因为显得与众不同。
4. They think it a miserable thing to be forced to study what they have no interest in.
该句的精彩用词是miserable,考生也许对该词较为生疏,常常会使用painful表达此意,而用miserable则是另辟蹊径,给人以清新的感觉。
5. On the other hand, there are an ocean of words for students to remember them all, as many students have voiced their complaint about.
该句中的两处用词令人拍案叫绝,一为an ocean of words;二为voiced their complaint。
前者为夸张的表现手法,后者为词类的转换,使voiced具有了倾吐心声之意。两处巧妙的用词使人为之叹服,不能不佩服其措词的高超技巧,换用其他词汇则会大为逊色。
6. Peking Opera has a long history and is abundant in traditional culture, which is beneficial to promote Chinese culture.
该句中的形容词abundant的用法鲜明地表达了京剧的艺术魅力。用beneficial和promote更好地表明发扬此国粹的必要性。几个词汇的使用恰倒好处地表达了此句的意思。突出了动与静的结合。
7. Besides, owning cars indicates the advancement of our country, and in turn, it stimulates auto industry and therefore contributes to economic development.
该句一连使用了几个并列的动词,indicates, stimulates, contributes to 生动地表明汽车业的迅猛发展,如果换用shows, develops, causes 相比之下就会显得相形见绌。
8. On the whole, awareness of environment protection needs the collective efforts from the government as well as the public.
该句中的名词awareness的使用最为典型,考生写作往往喜欢使用动词,而不知有时使用一些抽象名词构成的结构做主语英文味会更浓。偶尔使用会给人以独树一帜的感觉。因此学生在给文章润色时,多进行思索,使用一些独具一格的词汇加以表达,那么高分必定是囊中之物。
二、改换表达,提高档次
表达某事情时,如果总是使用同一种句型,文章就显得平淡、单调;如果适当使用不同的句型,如倒装句、反问句、强调句型等就可大大提高文章的档次。此外,要想吸引阅卷教师的注意,激发阅卷教师的兴趣,引起阅卷教师的共鸣,在修改的过程中还应该考虑使用恰当的修辞手段,如对称、递进、反复等,以提高表达的效果。如:
1. He works hard. He often helps others. He is a good student. 试比较:He works hard. He often helps others. Isn’t he a good student? 比较一下,哪一种效果更好呢?
2. Other students are against the idea. They say that the Beijing Zoo was built in 1906 and has a history of 100 years.
Other students are against the idea, saying that the Beijing Zoo, built in 1906, has a history of 100 years. 该句使用saying现在分词做伴随状语,built过去分词作后置定语,避免了啰嗦与平淡,使句子简单明了、严密紧凑。
3. Some students don’t realize the importance of their study; they spend too much of their time on computer games, and bring about the declines in their study.
以上的句子,从语法上看,似乎无明显的错误,但从表达的效果而言,则并非理想。该句中的动词有realize,spend,bring about。此时若将句中的动词spend列为主要动词,其他的动词用从属的形式表达,表达效果则大不一样。如:
Some students, unaware of the importance of their study, spend too much of their time on computer games, therefore bringing about the declines in their study.
该句在表达上以动词spend为重心,将bring about以结果状语的形式出现,用现在分词的形式来表达,把原句中的not realize 用形容词unaware与介词of 搭配表示,以主语补足语的形式出现,因此经过改写的句子既突出了重点,也容纳了其他相关信息。
4. Last week, I came back to my former school. When I entered the gate, I found her greatly changed. The paths had been widened. The playground had been enlarged, and many teaching buildings had been demolished. 该句可以改为:
Last week, I came back to my former school. When I entered the gate, I found her greatly changed, the paths widened, the playground enlarged, and many teaching buildings demolished.
此句中的几个并列的句子用独立主格结构的形式作解释性状语,依附于动词found 之后,从而更好地区分了主次。相比之下,后一句不但结构简洁,而且给人以排比的感觉。
5. I think the safety in school activity is very important and meaningful, and it will help to make sure that we will be safe. For example, in all kinds of sport we must pay attention to being safe. And we should pay attention to our safety both at home and out of school. When the classmates are angry with each other, we must be calm and don’t fight.
该段落虽无明显的错误,但给人以松散的感觉。另外两个pay attention to的短语重复使用,似乎显得不太协调。整个段落显得苍白无力,不能激发起阅卷教师的兴趣。试比较经过润色的段落:
I consider this as indeed a good practice, which will make us aware that safety should always come first in our daily life, whether we stay at school or outside it. When we are doing sports we should attach importance to the safety and avoid being hurt. Furthermore, when we get into trouble with our classmates, we should remain calm and avoid any form of fighting, which may only bring suffering and pain to us mentally and physically.
经过润色的段落用了两个非限制性定语从句、两个when 的状语从句和whether … or的状语从句,体现了多重复合句的有效使用。并使用副词Furthermore连接语篇,表示递进关系。还有动词短语attach importance to和副词mentally与physically的使用都堪称亮点。与前一短相比较,无论在句法结构和遣词造句上都更胜一筹。
三、调整结构,详略得当
考生在确保短文正确无误之后,还应该审查其文章结构是否合理,才能使行文自然、流畅。此点最容易为学生所忽视,因为学生往往根据所给汉语提示的顺序去逐一展开,很少考虑到文章在何处应该浓装,而在何处应该淡抹。殊不知,所给的汉语提示只能借鉴,而不应当视为按部就班的唯一途径。在实际写作时,考生应全盘考虑哪些内容应详写,哪些内容应略写;哪些语言点属于主,哪些语言点属于次,只有精心调整结构、详略得当,才能写出令人赏心悦目的文章。下面通过一篇文章的对比来分析如何给其润色。
Li Ming’s home happened a fire at about 10:00 last night. It was said a cigarette butt thrown by someone carelessly caused the fire. All the things in his house were burnt down, but luckily, no man got hurt.
As it hadn’t rained for a long time and the firewood piled everywhere, it was very easy to catch fire. People had already gone to bed by then. They got dressed and came out to put out the fire, because the fire had become very difficult to control.
We hope that every one of us must be careful with fire in the future.
该文主要论述了由于吸烟者乱扔烟蒂,李明家发生了一场火灾的情况。文章叙述了事件的基本要点,但有两个严重的错误;一是全文按照中文提示写作,没有进行结构调整,致使文章中的一些句子之间的逻辑关系错误;其二是某些动词的用法有错误,从而导致失分。因此该文只能得15分左右。
如何给该文进行润色,可以采用倒叙的写作手法,先写结果,然后写原因和过程,最后写从该事中吸取的教训,这样的过程使得文章结构合理,层次分明,条理清楚,引人入胜。如:
A great fire happened in Li Ming’s home at about 10:00 last night. Luckily, no man got hurt, though all the things in his home were burnt down.
It was said the fire was caused by a cigarette butt thrown by someone carelessly. As it hadn’t rained for a long time and the firewood was piled everywhere, it was very easy to catch fire. On the other hand, people had already gone to bed by then. When they got dressed and came out to put out the fire, the fire had become very difficult to control.
Because of our carelessness, there will be a great disaster. From this event, we can see that we should be careful with fire in the future.
经过润色的文章无论在结构上还是在层次上都给人以不同的感受。另外还使用了一些连接词和短语,如though, as, on the other hand, from this event等,使得文章结构紧凑。全文简单句和复合句穿插使用,使文章跌宕起伏,充分反映了其布局谋篇的能力。
通过上述三点的论述可以看出,写好英语的书面表达绝非是一日之功。只有通过不断的实践,在实践中不断地加以改进,才能使自己所写的文章从平淡到神奇。
(作者:张海生,江苏南通)
一、推敲词语,化淡为奇
古人云“一字之警,全句之奇;一字佳妙,全篇通灵”,词语的运用在书面表达中起着至关重要的作用。许多学生只会使用较为平常的词汇,有时一个词汇甚至反复多次的使用,往往会给人以厌倦的感觉。因此学会词语的推敲是取得高分的前提,如在文中能恰当地使用一些高级词汇,会使阅卷教师对你的文章另眼看待。下面从一些书面表达中摘取一些加以分析和比较,以求得化淡为奇的效果。
1. We should have a good rest during the examinations, otherwise we would feel exhausted.
该句的精点之处在于exhausted一词,大多数考生在表达时可能会使用tired,相比之下,用exhausted比tired 更为传神,更能显示个人的词汇量。
2. Rubbish has been acknowledged as one of the country’s biggest environmental challenge and the ban on plastic bags is one of the solutions to the problem.
该句的亮点是acknowledged和challenge的使用,考生在表达此意思时所联想到的往往是regarded或considered和problem,而全然不知be acknowledged as可表达“被公认为……”的含义;而用challenge代替problem表达意思更胜一筹。
3. Recycling and other factors have contributed to a serious waste of resource and serious environmental pollution as well.
该句中的神奇之处是contributed to的使用,考生往往会根据汉语提示用caused或resulted in来表达此意,换个说法,也许会得到阅卷教师的赏识,因为显得与众不同。
4. They think it a miserable thing to be forced to study what they have no interest in.
该句的精彩用词是miserable,考生也许对该词较为生疏,常常会使用painful表达此意,而用miserable则是另辟蹊径,给人以清新的感觉。
5. On the other hand, there are an ocean of words for students to remember them all, as many students have voiced their complaint about.
该句中的两处用词令人拍案叫绝,一为an ocean of words;二为voiced their complaint。
前者为夸张的表现手法,后者为词类的转换,使voiced具有了倾吐心声之意。两处巧妙的用词使人为之叹服,不能不佩服其措词的高超技巧,换用其他词汇则会大为逊色。
6. Peking Opera has a long history and is abundant in traditional culture, which is beneficial to promote Chinese culture.
该句中的形容词abundant的用法鲜明地表达了京剧的艺术魅力。用beneficial和promote更好地表明发扬此国粹的必要性。几个词汇的使用恰倒好处地表达了此句的意思。突出了动与静的结合。
7. Besides, owning cars indicates the advancement of our country, and in turn, it stimulates auto industry and therefore contributes to economic development.
该句一连使用了几个并列的动词,indicates, stimulates, contributes to 生动地表明汽车业的迅猛发展,如果换用shows, develops, causes 相比之下就会显得相形见绌。
8. On the whole, awareness of environment protection needs the collective efforts from the government as well as the public.
该句中的名词awareness的使用最为典型,考生写作往往喜欢使用动词,而不知有时使用一些抽象名词构成的结构做主语英文味会更浓。偶尔使用会给人以独树一帜的感觉。因此学生在给文章润色时,多进行思索,使用一些独具一格的词汇加以表达,那么高分必定是囊中之物。
二、改换表达,提高档次
表达某事情时,如果总是使用同一种句型,文章就显得平淡、单调;如果适当使用不同的句型,如倒装句、反问句、强调句型等就可大大提高文章的档次。此外,要想吸引阅卷教师的注意,激发阅卷教师的兴趣,引起阅卷教师的共鸣,在修改的过程中还应该考虑使用恰当的修辞手段,如对称、递进、反复等,以提高表达的效果。如:
1. He works hard. He often helps others. He is a good student. 试比较:He works hard. He often helps others. Isn’t he a good student? 比较一下,哪一种效果更好呢?
2. Other students are against the idea. They say that the Beijing Zoo was built in 1906 and has a history of 100 years.
Other students are against the idea, saying that the Beijing Zoo, built in 1906, has a history of 100 years. 该句使用saying现在分词做伴随状语,built过去分词作后置定语,避免了啰嗦与平淡,使句子简单明了、严密紧凑。
3. Some students don’t realize the importance of their study; they spend too much of their time on computer games, and bring about the declines in their study.
以上的句子,从语法上看,似乎无明显的错误,但从表达的效果而言,则并非理想。该句中的动词有realize,spend,bring about。此时若将句中的动词spend列为主要动词,其他的动词用从属的形式表达,表达效果则大不一样。如:
Some students, unaware of the importance of their study, spend too much of their time on computer games, therefore bringing about the declines in their study.
该句在表达上以动词spend为重心,将bring about以结果状语的形式出现,用现在分词的形式来表达,把原句中的not realize 用形容词unaware与介词of 搭配表示,以主语补足语的形式出现,因此经过改写的句子既突出了重点,也容纳了其他相关信息。
4. Last week, I came back to my former school. When I entered the gate, I found her greatly changed. The paths had been widened. The playground had been enlarged, and many teaching buildings had been demolished. 该句可以改为:
Last week, I came back to my former school. When I entered the gate, I found her greatly changed, the paths widened, the playground enlarged, and many teaching buildings demolished.
此句中的几个并列的句子用独立主格结构的形式作解释性状语,依附于动词found 之后,从而更好地区分了主次。相比之下,后一句不但结构简洁,而且给人以排比的感觉。
5. I think the safety in school activity is very important and meaningful, and it will help to make sure that we will be safe. For example, in all kinds of sport we must pay attention to being safe. And we should pay attention to our safety both at home and out of school. When the classmates are angry with each other, we must be calm and don’t fight.
该段落虽无明显的错误,但给人以松散的感觉。另外两个pay attention to的短语重复使用,似乎显得不太协调。整个段落显得苍白无力,不能激发起阅卷教师的兴趣。试比较经过润色的段落:
I consider this as indeed a good practice, which will make us aware that safety should always come first in our daily life, whether we stay at school or outside it. When we are doing sports we should attach importance to the safety and avoid being hurt. Furthermore, when we get into trouble with our classmates, we should remain calm and avoid any form of fighting, which may only bring suffering and pain to us mentally and physically.
经过润色的段落用了两个非限制性定语从句、两个when 的状语从句和whether … or的状语从句,体现了多重复合句的有效使用。并使用副词Furthermore连接语篇,表示递进关系。还有动词短语attach importance to和副词mentally与physically的使用都堪称亮点。与前一短相比较,无论在句法结构和遣词造句上都更胜一筹。
三、调整结构,详略得当
考生在确保短文正确无误之后,还应该审查其文章结构是否合理,才能使行文自然、流畅。此点最容易为学生所忽视,因为学生往往根据所给汉语提示的顺序去逐一展开,很少考虑到文章在何处应该浓装,而在何处应该淡抹。殊不知,所给的汉语提示只能借鉴,而不应当视为按部就班的唯一途径。在实际写作时,考生应全盘考虑哪些内容应详写,哪些内容应略写;哪些语言点属于主,哪些语言点属于次,只有精心调整结构、详略得当,才能写出令人赏心悦目的文章。下面通过一篇文章的对比来分析如何给其润色。
Li Ming’s home happened a fire at about 10:00 last night. It was said a cigarette butt thrown by someone carelessly caused the fire. All the things in his house were burnt down, but luckily, no man got hurt.
As it hadn’t rained for a long time and the firewood piled everywhere, it was very easy to catch fire. People had already gone to bed by then. They got dressed and came out to put out the fire, because the fire had become very difficult to control.
We hope that every one of us must be careful with fire in the future.
该文主要论述了由于吸烟者乱扔烟蒂,李明家发生了一场火灾的情况。文章叙述了事件的基本要点,但有两个严重的错误;一是全文按照中文提示写作,没有进行结构调整,致使文章中的一些句子之间的逻辑关系错误;其二是某些动词的用法有错误,从而导致失分。因此该文只能得15分左右。
如何给该文进行润色,可以采用倒叙的写作手法,先写结果,然后写原因和过程,最后写从该事中吸取的教训,这样的过程使得文章结构合理,层次分明,条理清楚,引人入胜。如:
A great fire happened in Li Ming’s home at about 10:00 last night. Luckily, no man got hurt, though all the things in his home were burnt down.
It was said the fire was caused by a cigarette butt thrown by someone carelessly. As it hadn’t rained for a long time and the firewood was piled everywhere, it was very easy to catch fire. On the other hand, people had already gone to bed by then. When they got dressed and came out to put out the fire, the fire had become very difficult to control.
Because of our carelessness, there will be a great disaster. From this event, we can see that we should be careful with fire in the future.
经过润色的文章无论在结构上还是在层次上都给人以不同的感受。另外还使用了一些连接词和短语,如though, as, on the other hand, from this event等,使得文章结构紧凑。全文简单句和复合句穿插使用,使文章跌宕起伏,充分反映了其布局谋篇的能力。
通过上述三点的论述可以看出,写好英语的书面表达绝非是一日之功。只有通过不断的实践,在实践中不断地加以改进,才能使自己所写的文章从平淡到神奇。
(作者:张海生,江苏南通)